1. Both Being There
Men and Women are inherently different and that could be why there needs to be a father and a mother in the home and attentive to their children. It is so important for children to have both parents in the home. Because males and females have inherent differences, they are better able to help and assist their children and their needs. 2. Know-Quo Together (variety of planned and shared activities) +Talk (mutual self-disclosure) +Time = THE KNOW-QUO I can really see the importance in my own relationships of talking with another person and creating activities that allow for there to be communication between the two people. I also really love the idea of a variety of activities. If you go hiking every date, you may have an opportunity to talk with them, but it is so important to see them in many different areas and how they react and deal with situations that they may not be as comfortable with. 3. The Work of Marriage Marriage is NOT natural! It takes work to make a marriage successful. What is divine is not going to be natural because we are here to overcome the natural man. I love the concept of a supernatural marriage. If we want to be successful and become like our Father in Heaven, we too must become supernatural. 4. Transparency This means to be very clear about your boundaries. What things are only to be discussed between you and your spouse? What is appropriate for family and friends to be involved in? We need to make sure that we are not talking to friends and family about Husband and Wife conversation. If you have an issue with your spouse, TALK TO THEM. A way that I like to thing about this is don’t ever be the reason that someone would think something bad about your spouse because of something you said. 5. Pregnancy It is important for the husband to be involved in the entire process of pregnancy. Husbands should go with their wives to pregnancy appointments. Also, remember “It’s our baby.” Another concept that I found specifically important from this topic is that Husbands need to be by their wives side during the delivery, not her mom. This time is painful and stressful for those involved. This time can bring a husband and wife closer together from this bonding time. 6. Crisis and Coping Crisis can be a situation to grow even though it may be difficult. Coping is making very small adjustments in order to deal with stressors and pressure. Families that are able to healthily cope when problems arise are usually doing some of the following things: having dinner together, acceptance of individual members, talking about it, involve everyone, seek support of friends and family, affirming own family’s worth and are being involved in family activities. An addition concept that I loved from this is that if you are only worries about yourself then your team aa whole is not going to do as well. 7. Communication WORDS 14% TONE 35% NONVERBAL 51% These are the three ways that we communicate. By understanding these three types, we can see that it may be quite easy to miscommunicate if these three are not lining up with each other. When communication problems arise, it is common to find that we may have a difficult portraying what we want to say or understanding what the other person is saying. If two people are able to be very clear and concise about what they are saying and how they are reacting, then they are more likely to be successful in portraying their feelings and thoughts. 8. Councils in the Family The pattern for councils is something that particularly intrigued me. The outline looks something like this: Expression of love and appreciation Opening Prayer (invite the Spirit to reveal God’s will for your family) Discussion to consensus regarding God’s will (this should be a place for “surprising openness”) Closing Prayer Dessert! It is important to remember that during this process there may not be an answer every time, sometimes it take multiple try’s through this process. Set aside tie to discuss issues, this can we a set time each week so that every family member knows when it is and can prepare for it. It is not the decision that is made, but it is more important how you came to that decision. 9. Fatherhood and Motherhood "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mother are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). Fathers and Mothers are given sacred responsibilities and as we fulfill those roles that we were created and designed to fulfill, the Lord will bless us. You will be more successful as you do this and put your trust in Him. 10. Purposes of Parenting To protect and prepare our children to survive and to thrive in the world in which they will live. Our responsibility to provide necessities to children, teach them righteous thing, build confidence and independence and how to take care of themselves, will fulfill the first statement above. We have to be active parents to get this done. We also need to remember that parenthood takes time and direction. These are some of the things that were most important to me! What have you enjoyed reading?
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American divorce more than any other nation in the world. That might be shocking, but when you hear the reasons it isn't surprising. It is extremely easy to divorce, if one spouse simply no longer likes the other, then they can get divorced, no questions asked. Before 1969, there were only three reasons you were allowed to get divorce: Alcohol, Abuse, and Adultery. Americans also get married more than any other nation, which gives us more of an opportunity to get divorced. The children of parents who got divorced are much more likely to get divorced themselves. The truth of the matter is that the children typically do not understand how to solve problems in a healthy way. The number one reason for divorce is reconcilable differences, this may be differences in parenting, financial management, ect. It is important to understand that incompatibilities are not the reason they get divorced, but the inability to deal with incompatibilities. Sadly, 70% of people who get divorced two years later say that they could have saved the marriage and should have saved the marriage. Interestingly enough, 70% of men are remarried within two years of divorce. It is also interesting that being pregnant and then getting married raises the chance of that couple getting divorced. Not having sexual relations before marriage have a much higher success rate than those who do not. Children are greatly affected by divorce and these are a few challenges that they may face: being physically and emotionally unhealthy, they are less likely to graduate high school and they are more like to have sexual relations outside of marriage. Blended Families also have their fair share of challenges, but here are some guidelines for those individuals: 1. It is going to take a minimum of 2 year for normalcy (2 rounds of holidays and birthdays) 2. A blended family will never look or act like the "perfect family" 3. The Biological parent needs to be the one in charge of heavy corrections. 4. The Step-Parent should be like that really GREAT Aunt/ Uncle What is the purpose of parenting? To protect and prepare our children to survive and to thrive in the world that they will live. Parents need to be more than just sitting on the sidelines, Parents need to be ACTIVE PARENTS, if you notice in the purpose above, they are all action words, we don't expect our children to just sit there and take our word for it and we shouldn't expect them too. As parents, our goal should be to teach them through our actions and their goal should be to learn and then practice those teaching also.
I love this quote by Brother Williams, "By the time children are teens, the only tool you have to influence them is relationships." It is so vitally important that we have those healthy relationships with our children. The Problem-Handling Model is a wonderful way to treat our children The first question is, who owns the problem? If it is the child's problem, then we need to allow the natural consequences that come from that problem. There are some exceptions to this though: if it affects someone else, it is too dangerous, or if the consequence is too far in the future. If it is the parent's problem, we can follow the following steps to respectfully discuss with our children. 1. Polite Request. It is amazing how often children will positively respond just will you being nice. 2. "I" Statement. It looks like this: "When you _____, I feel _____. I feel _______ because ________. I would like________." The reason this works is because the child is able to understand how you feel about a situation, how it affects you and what you would like to happen. 3. Firm Request. I feel like this is pretty self explanatory. 4. Logical Consequence. This is always the last result, but when it is necessary there a few things that we need to take into account. 1. It needs to be discussed in advance 2. Involve the child in the conversation of rules, boundaries, and consequences 3. Follow through with the consequence 4. Give the child another chance to redeem themselves after the consequence 5. The consequence needs to be logically connected to the natural consequence Last Word: The hardest thing you will ever do as a parent, when you can fix a problem, is to JUST stand back and sympathize with your child. Heavenly Father has specifically described the roles of wives/ mothers and husbands/ fathers in The Family Proclamation. Although sometimes these roles might have to change depending upon circumstances. I believe that we fulfill our roles that we were designed for, the Lord will make up the difference. We will be more successful as we trust in Him. I hope that as husbands and wives talk about their roles that they will be prayerful in doing so. Counsel with our Father in Heaven.
Our goal should be to develop a family that would best meet the needs of all of it's members. Communication comes in all different ways, but do you know the percentage of types of communication that we use on a regular basis? WORDS.................................14% TONE.......................................35% NONVERBAL........................51% It is natural that we trust someone's tone more if their words contradict and if their nonverbal actions are contrasting the tone we typically trust that. Odds are if all three are contradicting we may not have any idea what to believe! THE FEEDBACK LOOP: The feedback loop is how we communicate with others, how they communicated with us and how we think we think we are communicating with one another. This can get a little sticky if you can't tell. We need to clearly use our three forms of communication to say somethings. There was an incident about two months ago with my husband and I. Somethings dramatic had occurred in our life and we were frustrated, confused, lost and scared. When something like this happens to me, I want to talk about it, work it out verbally. When thing like this happens with my husband, he is reserved and quiet. This leads me to think that there is something wrong, especially with me. I try to think about what I could have done to make him made and how to fix it and in some ways makes me feel more reserved as well. Later after things had settled down, I realized that my husband wasn't mad or upset with me but just the situation. If we had communicated more effectively an understood how the other dealt with there frustrations it may had prevented the confusion.
COUNCILS: The general outline for Family Councils looks a little like this: Preface: set a side a time regular to have these councils, then each member can be prepared and have that time set aside. 1. expression of love/ appreciation for every member of the family 2. open with prayer to do God's will 3. discussion to consensus regarding His will "Surprising Openness" 4. closing prayer 5. chocolate, pie, dessert, etc. The most difficult part of marriage is making decisions TOGETHER! The most important thing to remember about councils, is that it's not not he decision that you make, but it is more important how you came to the decision. At some point or another, every family is going to experience stress or crisis in their family. The real question is how they respond to a specific event and the outcome. To better understand these two types of experiences, I will give you my definition of them. Stress is pressure but the ability to bounce back. Crisis is a temporary or permanent change. Now that we understand these two terms a little better, let's give some examples. Accidents, Moving, Surgeries, Death, Internal Strife, Cancer, Natural Disaster, Major Purchases, Attempted Suicide, Divorce, Gambling, Job Change, Loss of Faith are just some of the experiences that families can experience. You may have already experienced some of these yourself. You are now probably wondering how we can better deal with these natural causes of life so that we don't crumble.
The routines that I am about to express may seem simple, may be even too simple, but as these simple things continue during crisis or stress the family will be more successful. WISE AND EFFECTIVE FAMILIES... Have dinner together, at the table. There are many studies that show the significant effects of family dinner. If there were a major shift such as death of a parent, although it may be extremely difficult and almost impossible, continuing this ritual can bring peace, comfort and strength to a family. Accept each individual member means that they feel safe at home. If a family had just moved to a new place, the family may feel nervous about going and trying to make friends. If a child returns home after a day of no friend making and feels safe and comfortable at home, then it is not as big of a deal, because he/she may have help/ support and someone to lean on at home. On the other hand, if a child does not have this at home, it may be shattering for a child and they may even feel like they have no one. Talk about it. When a family is actively and openly talking about a particular problem, then everyone is able to understand the circumstances. When I was 11, my family decided to move to Texas for my dad to get a job. Rather than him getting a job, my mom ended up getting a job. After just a few months of looking at houses, and almost buying one, we decided to move back. This experience could have gone very different, but my parents involved us kids. We talked about moving, went to look at houses together, and we eventually ended up talking about moving back. Although we still don't know why we ended up moving their and back, it made the experience one that we could bounce back from. Activities. This may sound weird, but as family regularly doing thing together, that family is able to stick together during difficult situations. Family Home Evening, Watching Movies Together, Playing Sports Together or Cooking Together are just some of the examples of activities. One of my favorite activities that my family did was going on family vacation. Don't get me wrong those trips were not always perfect with conflict and we often longed for our own beds to sleep in when it was over, but it was a bonding time for me. Sometimes we didn't have the money to go to the place that we had gone the year before, but we always had a trip. It was consistent. Coping is making very small adjustments in order to deal with stress and pressure. A coping saw is a tool used to cut molding. If done right the molding fits together seamlessly. During this process, one would measure every wall in the room and start with the shorter side, you want pieces that continue from one side of he wall to the other father that strips. Another critical point is that by cutting the piece so that they perfectly fit they are able to withstand the pressure that comes from being pushed together. At this point, you may be wondering where I am going with this. Let me tell you. By measuring the situation, we are able to understand the situation and then start with the little things (shorter wall). As you are piece them together you may also not chop off an entire piece or throw it away when it doesn't fit right. Instead you are going to make little changes. After this, you see that it is seamless an not able to shift although there may be great pressure on it. Although, I discovered many topics about stress, crisis, and coping, I hope that you are able to understand a few of them from the things that I shared. If you have any questions, comments or want to know more, comment below! Satan works hard to twist the most beautiful things into evil and deceiving things. Sexual relations have become one of those things. Especially in the church, I have found that having a baby is either the greatest thing in the world or it's the worst. This is because as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that pre-martial sex and sex outside of marriage is one of the most vial sins. What we don't, as members of the church, is realize the divine gift that our Heavenly Father has given us--the creation of life. There is a specific time and order that this must occur though.
I didn't realize until I was married just how wonderful the commandments of dating were. We are encouraged to not date until the wonderful age of sixteen, and even at that point we are encouraged to group date until we are eighteen. These commandments often seem to be holding us back from the love life we long to have, but how many of us are ready to get married at twelve, fourteen, sixteen, or even eighteen for that matter? Single dating is for those who are looking for an eternal companion. Until we are ready for that quest, what is the point of becoming emotionally attached and possibly hurt. When I got married, I was so grateful to be able to share the sacred and beautiful responsibility of creating life with someone who had also been faithful to keeping those commandments. It suddenly all made sense! God wasn't trying to punish us, but rather he was setting guidelines and rules to help His children experience great joy and happiness as two of His children made covenants to be faithful to one another. Being sealed to Nathan for time and all eternity is such a blessing and I wish that every teenager would be able to feel a little bit of that joy. I believe that if we can understand why the commandments are there long before we are even tempted to break them we will be able to experience great joy as we enter the bonds of marriage. Another topic I would like to touch on is TRANSITIONS. For members of the church we grow up learning that sexual relations are wrong and evil and should never be thought of or discussed. And then we get married and are encouraged to participate in every act that we have thought of as immoral. At least for me, this was an extremely awkward transition. After being married, I found that my husband and I were very different. We have different ways that we become more attracted to another. This was never thought in a Sunday School or Young Women's lesson. (What an awkward lesson that would be!) My husband and I had to discuss these differences and realize that it was unnatural for us to be on the same page. Many couples, may not understand that the other works and functions difference then them. This unawareness, may create tension and frustration, which might also lead to no sexual relations, if the couple has already stopped the hugs, kisses, and holding hands that developed before marriage. This couple then has no opportunities to create. THE DIVINE PURPOSE FOR WHICH THEY WERE CREATED! I started by talking about transitions, but I believe that there really isn't a better way to transition, but rather that there is better way to have healthier relationships. By creating health relationships of communication, couples are able to discuss important topics of hurt, expectation and enjoyment in marriage. The small things that make us different won't be a wedge on the marriage if the couple know how to respectfully talk with one another about these issues. FRIENDS of Opposite Gender after Marriage. I am just going to start off by saying: If you wouldn't feel good about your spouse doing it, then you shouldn't be doing it. Having friends of the opposite gender can create wedges in your marriage if you are going to them with problems rather than your spouse, spouses may begin to compare themselves to those who get more of your time, and you can being to have an emotional connection with them even if your didn't originally plan to. Couples need to set boundaries right from the beginning and continue to discuss issues as the arise.
This week we talked about preparing for marriage and falling in love. There were many things that opened up my mind on this topics so bare with me as I try to convey my thought.
We learned about the Know-Quo in dating. Together (a wide variety of shared activities) + Talk (mutual self-disclosure) + Time = The Know-Quo Together. While dating if we are going on a variety of dates, participating in different activities, we are able to see that person in different areas and how they may react to different situations. When my husband and I first got married we were given an assignment at church. We were assigned to teach children ages 18 months to 3 years old. Most people would be moaning and groaning, but my husband and I were excited! It became one of my favorite things to watch Nathan as he played with the little children and how they became attached to my husband, even if it was just for one day a week. One of the little children even declared him at the dad of the class. I absolutely loved seeing this part of husband and I have to admit that I found him pretty dang attractive. Talking. If we are going to watch a movie and are not talking with one another or finding out anything else about them, then what are we doing. Choosing activities that allow you to talk with your significant other, you are able to learn more about them. Time. I have to agree with the fact that it takes more than a week to get to know someone. You need to have time to get to know each other. While my husband and I were dating we had to speed up that process because I was scheduled to leave for a mission for my church and only had so long. This was a little nerve-racking, but we sped up the time part and found out as much about each other as we could. This took about 3 months to decide if I was going and 3 more to get engaged. It was little bit faster than it need to be maybe, but it worked for us. Another important topic is RAM (Relationship Attachment Model). This model shows how we should develop relationships. First, we need to KNOW someone more than we should TRUST them. We should TRUST someone more than we should RELY on them. We should RELY on someone more than we should COMMIT to them. We should COMMIT to someone more than we should have physical TOUCH with them. This is what the healthiest relationships are build on. If they weren't though, change them! Change is always possible! This week's topics included gender roles. NOTE: most of these statements are generalized and does not account for every woman or man. During class we made a list of of characteristics of males and females, and it looked a little like this: MALES: VS. FEMALES: -aggressive -expressive -competitive -cooperative -gross/ task oriented -detail oriented -spatial -relational -mathematical -language -logic -emotionally expressive As we look at the list above we can see a couple of things. First of all, each is exactly opposite to the other. As I contemplated why God would create so exactly opposite beings and command that they come together as husband and wife. I believe that God knew that we need two inherently different individuals that would bring different characteristics into a home. Because of that exact reason, it is so vitally important that there is a father and a mother in the home who are attentive to their children. I really believe that these characteristics are not meant to be gender specific, but are extremely important to have within a home from either parent. You may be thinking that this is great information, but what does it have to do with me? As we learn about different topics concerning, well, anything, we become more aware and more compassionate towards those who may be different that us. We watched part of a clip called the Tale of Two Brains, that is shown below. This clip is drastically exaggerated on how men's and women's brains work, in general. Although it is exaggerated, we are still able to see the point that we operate differently. From watching this video, I now understand that while I may be thinking about what happened last week, what we are having for dinner, how I am going to get a good grade on my final in two months and the insignificant conversation that my husband and I had two weeks ago; my husband is sincerely and ultimately, only thinking about nothing. When we were first dating, I thought he was lying to me (ha, not really) or he just didn't want to tell me, but understanding that we work differently allows me to realize that we are different AND THAT'S OKAY. |
Kelli-MarieI am a junior at Brigham Young University-Idaho, studying Marriage and Family Studies. Archives
March 2017
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